Ordering booze is not easy if you are not a frequent drinker. You need to use the right terms, answer back the question the bartender might ask you and order relative to the occasion.

The first step in ordering a drink is realization. You should know who you are and where you are planning to go. If you can’t answer the first question, you’re already drunk so just go home. But if you know the answer to these questions, you should know which category of these situations you are planning to create:

  1. You want to rock the night and sleep with the wrong girl
  2. You want a meh night and sleep with the right girl
  3. You just want to get messed up
  4. You are a good guy, you want to socialize while drinking
  5. You don’t know what you are doing

So according to the list above, I’ll try to give you rock-solid recommendation as a person who managed to create all the situation above (give me a medal you foggers).

  • You want to rock the night and sleep with the wrong girl Go to the bartender and order a pint of beer, doesn’t matter which brand or what alcohol content! Just get the cheapest one, it’s for the build up. Use the time you have to drink the beer to casually chit chat with every girl you see in the bar, if she’s overweight or ugly, remember that they are the ones who give the best bl**job. Now go to the bar and ask for 6 shots of tequila and make sure everyone is noticing you finishing the shots one by one. If it feels awkward to drink alone, pretend you are saluting another friend from the other side of the bar. Mission accomplished, from this point you know what to do for the rest of the night.

  • You want a meh night and sleep with the right girl You don’t find the right girl while drinking. Set up a date in an expensive bar and sip on your pricey Martini while thinking what the fog are you doing there. Just don’t talk about work and try to be physical as early as possible. Your chances are low because you are into her and you are weak! But you still can play your gameplan hoping if she has the same plan too.

  • You just want to get messed up. Your go-to cocktail would be Long Island Tea, a nice mixture of Rum, Gin, Tequila, Vodka and Triple Sec would give you anything you need to not go home sober. Do you want to mess it up even further? Go for a coffee mixed liquor like Black Russian or Irish Coffee. Because why not.

  • You are a good guy, you want to socialize while drinking. Let’s first be clear here, you’re not a good guy and we both know it. Anyway, I suppose you have a friend who has an acquaintance which is a good guy and you want to help him. all good, let’s see what we can do. The idea would be to go for wines, because any kind of wine has more character than other liquors, making you an acceptable person within any kind of dynamics. If you are not really into wine, go for a Martini. Don’t order a frozen margarita with a cocktail umbrella, for fu*ks sake!

  • You don’t know what you are doing. We all have been there. Even I don’t know what I’m doing when I get drunk. So keep it light and easy but don’t be a p**sy. Try to order one new drink every time you go to a bar and stick to it. Get creative and find your taste and start to notice the difference between the flavors and how it makes you feel. My suggestion? Start ordering liquors with no mixers with ice to recognize their taste. For this, you have to ask the bartender to serve you the liquor on the Rocks (basically means with ice). Like “Can I have a glass of gin on the rocks?” or if you know the brand, skip the name of the liquor and mention the brand name first.